One Year Bereaved
William Milne Reflects on Losing His Wife Rachel
The following excerpt was taken from The Memoirs of William Milne, newly published (after 200 years!) and now available on Amazon. You can also listen to the audio version near the end of this episode of the China Compass Podcast.
This day twelve months my Rachel’s eyes were often fixed upwards—it was the last complete day she spent on earth. She several times called me to read favorite hymns to her. She took leave of her friends—the feeble frame was fast sinking. I did not expect her end to be so near.
Alas! It is truly lamentable, that neither the painful and trying circumstances I was then placed in, nor my present recollection of them, produced those effects on my wicked nature which might be expected, and which I wish. Truly in me, that is, in my flesh, “dwelleth no good thing.” It is not in the power of any train of circumstances, of whatever nature (in themselves considered) to produce heavenly and spiritual effects in our hearts—they affect the body, the animal spirits, the feelings, etc, but can go no farther; the rest must come from above. . . O God, look on my motherless children.
Clay-bang—my “Bochim”1
March 20th, 1820. Half past eight A.M. Hither I came by water, this morning, with my three elder children—brethren Medhurst and Thomsen also here. I now sit in the room where my Rachel died; where the silver cord was loosed; where I closed her eyes in death. It was also about this time of the day that the hand of God touched me in this tender part. Now one year exactly since the conjugal knot was cut asunder. Oh! what endless failures in duty; what errors; what sins; in the space of the six years and a half in which God continued me in that relation; a relation which, though attended with trials, was greatly blessed of God to me, and crowned with a lovely family.
But my ingratitude and stupidity, and the prevalence of sin, even under the most afflictive circumstances, rise up against me; Lord, “cleanse thou me from secret faults”—past errors and sins are many; present temptations are many; what the future may be I know not. I this morning say from my soul:
“Lord, give me pardon for the past, And strength for days to come.”
At present my health is tolerably good; my wants are supplied; my children are in health; growing in knowledge and in stature. O that their mother’s prayers may be answered to them. My plans of usefulness are not put a stop to. God has not suffered me to fall to the dishonor of his cause. Mercy has followed me all this year throughout. Some progress has been made in my work. No painful news from abroad. Truly I have cause of thankfulness. "Blessed be the goodness of the Lord from this place.”
“Now, Lord, what wait I for? My hope is in thee; deliver me from all my trespasses; do not, as a punishment of former sins, suffer me to fall, so as to be the reproach of the foolish."
In regard to what relates to my future steps—the education, etc, of my children; the forming of a second marriage relation (if God see it proper and good for me). Guide me by thy counsel. Give that which is good; give, maintain, and increase a disposition “to acknowledge thee in all my ways”. “Hear, Lord, the desires of thy servant." I think this day of that passage,
“Sweet is the memory of her name.”
At breakfast time, Mr. Thomsen prayed, and some important ideas his prayer contained. O that they were graven on my soul. At one o’clock we again met; read a portion of Tong’s life of Matthew Henry; sung; and I prayed—It is now (four) about the hour when the remains of my beloved Rachel were removed from the room where I now sit, and carried by water into town. How melancholy an afternoon was that to me! O Lord! Whatever may yet be in reserve, either as to duty, suffering, or enjoyment, prepare me for it. Returned at night.
March 21st. This day twelve months the mortal remains of Rachel were committed to the tomb; what a melancholy evening was that to me! I have this day most earnestly desired of God that I may be made of the same mind with Him in regard to sin and holiness, etc.
March 22nd. Went in the morning to Rachel’s grave with the children. In the charnel-house found a skull, which I took occasion to converse with them from.
"Weepers". Refers to a place west of the Jordan where the Israelites wept after being rebuked by an angel for entering into alliances with the people of the land and failing to destroy their idols.